My baby rolled over for the first time tonight. It made me want to smile and cry all at the same time. I feel like I need to celebrate every milestone yet tear up that I can’t stop time. I’ve began cleaning out his closet and folding clothes and putting them away. I’m kinda a minamalist so naturally this brings me joy to organize “clutter” and put things away and not have much “out”. But the other day was different as I put more winter clothes away that Jack will never ever ever wear these clothes again. It struck me and I’m not sure why it never did before. My baby is growing faster than my mind can grasp. A year ago I was finding out that he was on the way. Time is a thief. I had no idea how my life would change. I definitely had no idea how much I could love another human that I just met. I love watching my baby grow before my eyes. I could stare at him all day. Most of the time I do.
I’ve also done handfuls of things I said I would never do before I had a baby. They change your whole world and I am so guilty of this. I said I would never post so many pictures but my heart is so in love with my baby that I am so proud and want to show him off. I now smile when I see a flood full of pictures after a birth for weeks on end. I know the feeling. I said my baby would sleep in a crib right away and he still hasn’t left my side. I judged you for having your baby in your room so long but I am one of them. I said I would return to work and it was impossible for that thought to cross my mind and I did what was best for my family and don’t regret it. I said I would never have my baby on a schedule but it’s the best thing for us. I’ve said I wouldn’t breastfeed in “public”, which I really haven’t but a hand full of times. I’ve done it when it’s had to be done. I didn’t sleep when the baby was sleeping. I wish I would have at times. I hold my baby too much and rock him to sleep but I know I will never regret it.
Often times I rock Jack to sleep and just stare at him. I can’t believe God created him just as perfect as he is. Two tiny hands with ten fingers. Two feet with ten tiny toes. The cutest button nose and I can’t even begin to tell you about his dimples just like his daddy. Sure he was born with a full head of dark hair and sure it’s all rubbed away and growing in fast and blonde. I may have teared up about his hair loss but I love his crazy hairdo. I can’t help but just rehearse Pslam 139 over and over in my head. Jack is fearfully and wonderfully made. God created him perfect in his image.
As I often just stare at my baby boy my mind wonders and tears fill my eyes as I think of every mom that has never held her baby. Never seen her miracle or celebrated a milestone. Jesus got to hold that baby first. That baby opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was our creator. I think about all the parents who lost their babies way too soon. The ones who ache to hold their baby again and have hundreds of pictures to remember them by but it’s just not the same. I think about the moms who can’t care for their babies and they are being fostered in loving homes. I think about the moms who so bravely gave up their baby to a loving family to adopt. Every situation and so many more fill my mind from family, friends and women who I follow on Instagram bring me to tears. Mostly because I have faces that go with every situation. The loss, the sick babies, the adoption, the fostering, the newborns.
Above all I firmly believe God gives us all a unique path in life that molds and makes us who we are. He created our stories to be useful to others in need. My story is so different from the next person. He gives us a testimony and passions out of our pain. He encourages us to seek him even when He feels unseekable. Even when it feels like it is all His fault. I’ve learned so much of God’s love these last four months.
But tonight as I am rocking my baby to sleep I prayed for you. I prayed for your heart to be healed even when it seems impossible. I prayed for God to give you a sense of peace that only he can give. I prayed that while He is holding your precious child that He will let them know how much they are loved by you. I prayed for your sick babies to be healed in the name of Jesus. I prayed for your birth moms who so unselfishly gave you a priceless gift that you will never be able to thank them enough. I prayed for you as you foster that child(ren) will feel so loved in a situation that feels so broken. I prayed for your new baby as you fall in love with the greatest miricle the Lord can give you.
Tonight I prayed for you. Because as moms we all have our downfalls. We beat ourselves up. We judge ourselves too harshly and we compare way too much. We compare our bodies and our parenting. We compare when our baby hits a milestone and why our child isn’t there yet, is something wrong. Tonight I hope you are reminded that above all else we serve a mighty God that has the whole world in his hands. He knows your story. He knows the full story to your hurt, pain, and joy. He is using you through the good and bad. I just pray above all else you remember the good good Father we serve and we are loved by Him. God has an amazing plan for you and I can’t wait to watch it unfold.