18 – The Search is Still on

So…I’ve been busy…is that a good excuse to my lack of blogging?! Yeah, probably not.

But let me tell you something all you hidden anonymous blogger readers…I know who you are. Okay, not really. But I do see how many of you have been following my blog and the numbers are pretty huge! You’re impressing me! Especially after writing my proposal blog, I think the whole world knew, maybe. So thank you!

It’s hard to believe that this blog is for 18 weeks, when in reality since I’m late it’s close to 17. What’s really exciting is today is the twelfth, meaning that in four months from today I will be probably sitting in the salon at this time as giddy as I was for my first day of high school to see Seth. I can’t even imagine the feeling, although it’s near! It’s exciting, it truly is, but it just doesn’t seem real after eight years. But don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait, I could get married today and be perfectly fine. The kicker for me is leaving our wedding and going on your honeymoon and looking over my shoulder for my mom. They are really letting us go. They are really letting us go alone? After all these years of “be respectful” “remember who you are” …we’re finally allowed to be alone behind closed doors. It’s baffling, really. After booking our honeymoon it still doesn’t feel real. But I can’t wait to be on the beach of Punta Cana!

This weekend we are still on the search for a place to live. We are on the search for an apartment. Yet, trying to find the perfect one for us. We are researchers and we’ve spent our date nights driving around apartment complexes. One of them we will call home, but we are still looking to God’s direction in to which one it will really be. My heart tells me I have no idea where i want to be, nothing says Jillian this is where your going to live forever. This doesn’t feel like where i may live the rest of my life, or maybe it does. It’s stressful, I won’t lie. You’ve all been there, or will be someday. It’s completely stressful to make a huge decision. It’s completely stressful to both be business owners with a different income each and every week. So maybe it’s not finding the home, maybe it’s more about the budget. Because some weeks I have great weeks, some weeks I have fabulous weeks, yet there are always those weeks that start out great and people get busy and need to rebook or cancel. It hurts my books, but it’s okay, God always provides and He is showing me this more and more each week. Especially when I stress out about the little things, or wondering if I can work and pay my booth rent that’s mortgage like amounts in a month. I’m a stresser though, even the smallest things these days completely stress me out, leading me to hold it all in then explode on Seth and its like you just let the faucet loose. Poor Seth. But he does an amazing job of calming my fears and making me believe that money is just money and everything will be completely fine, God is the one to lean on to in everything we do, not money. We have awesome goals for our careers and I will see those progress in a few years and I can’t wait to do these things with my best friend. My prayers lately have been repetitive, and I think I’ve felt the grace of God lately saying, I’ve got this.

But in four months from today all of that won’t even be on my mind. It will all be behind us, we will have a place with all our stuff just waiting for us when we get home. This thought helps my heart and lets me breathe a little easier. But four months, now almost three months and a few days sounds so soon! I’ll only be worried if I make it down the aisle with out tripping or balling my eyes out, warning there will be tears. I’m marrying a man that has a small sappy side when it comes to me, and I love it. I’ll be worried that I don’t jumble up our personal vows to each other. And yes, I keep reminding myself it will all be fine. We’ll laugh at the memories one day and by the end of the day we will be married.

On a side note, this weekend is my first shower! I am completely excited to spend time with Seth’s side of the family and seeing what his sister has up her sleeve, as she’s hosting it. I can’t wait to show all our gifts to Seth and then pile them up and look at them until we have a home. We already have a closet full and this will just make me more off the walls. And I’m sure Seth gets annoyed at times when all I say is I can’t wait for a home, I can’t wait to decorate, I can’t wait to cook for you. Also, I think he enjoys every time I open up that closet and stand there and just imagine what it will be like to move that pile soon. I can’t wait. I’m determined to be the best wife there is. But we all know that’s not possible, it’s not real. Many strive for that, but no one is perfect. So I’ll strive to be the best and most perfect wife for Seth. I’ll do his laundry, clean, cook, run with him. Okay, we all know that whole newly wed stuff won’t last long, but I’m up for the challenge to strive for that relationship the rest of my life.

With love, Jillian Lane

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *